We all have ideas, beliefs and values; at some time in our life it is invaluable to consider whose they really belong to. If we blindly stay on auto-pilot, it is quite possible we are going to live someone else's destiny and following the wrong flight plan.
How does this happen? It is quite simple really. We inherit our genes from parents. Nothing new here. What is a newer consideration is our Grandmother makes the female portion of us. How? Our mother's eggs are made by her mother, our Grandmothers. Sit with this thought for a bit. What was our Grandparents' life really like? What were the ideologies, beliefs and values of the time; access to resource, wisdoms experiences etc.? Consider where and how these embedded beliefs are playing out in your thoughts now. This is a real example of Auto-pilot. How about your parents? Not only what happened in their home and social experiences, but what were their actual interpretations of life around your conception, and through your childhood.
Anyone can embed ideas into our thinking, if we allow it. Impressions from parents, school, peers, work, colleagues, society, culture etc., all have the power to change our deepest held values, especially in hurtful, stressful situations.
Consider too, from a sociological view, each generation has a theme, baby boomers, free love, techno etc. The era in which we were exposed to also creates a view of what life could, should, might be like. Naturally, there is an opposite side to all of these things.
Self care, for me, personally goes way beyond looking after body or treating myself. These actions really do feel good and are important, but the deeper level of self care for me is about knowing myself and clearly stating who I are and what I believe. The more attention I have given to sifting through my own beliefs, ideologies etc the easier it has been to like and love myself, and therefore less need from others affection or attention to make myself feel good.
There was a time in my life when I figured I either had to get real or get out. Show up or go home, whatever catchphrase you want to use. I had, unknowingly taken on a lot of negative, self abating thoughts from quite a few people. The result was I didn't like, let alone love myself, and I really didn't like who I was. I didn't know how to let people in, and really felt that unimportant.
Fortunately, psychology is starting to talk about the idea that "Until we know ourselves and accept ourselves, know what works for us in a good way we are inclined to go with the flow, allow others do things that we would rather not do, and tend to seek the fillers to the gaps we have in ourselves." When we know what our own gaps are, and learn to fill them ourselves, we become more empowered. It is easier to say no and mean it, set healthy boundaries and not feel the need to engage in questionable or dangerous behaviour to fit in. We basically look after ourselves and engage with others in healthier, truer ways. Am I there yet? No but I am certainly further down the line that I was.
How is it possible to create this clarity? Start studying the greats, look at all things you think, feel, do and experience in life as a third party observer and start playing with investigative questions.
In the idea that life is a reflection of what or who we believe we are (worth, deserving of, upper limits etc) if we don't like what we see, experience and feel, it is up to us to change the outer world. As Gandhi said so clearly "Be the change you want to see" Change the life we create can only come from ourselves. How we perceive things are, and our response to it.
When I was starting out on my change journey, there was lots of things I didn't like. I started to look around at others (in a good way, similar to a science experiment) and took note the characters others that I liked, and noted which I was lacking in. There were nice people who had connection, and lived and loved their lives and I was really struggling to keep my head up. What was the difference? Lots, but the thing that really stood out, was I had such low self esteem I was willing to take what I could, but pushed away good things on offer because I didn't think I was worth being looked after or loved. I really had to look at me, how and why I had these thoughts to begin with. A long convoluted journey was started. I had to unpack as much as possible and I needed help to do this, and choose to either keep, hold and check or chuck out beliefs and values that were either not mine (what I agreed with but had been living) or I didn't want to live any longer becuase I didn't like them anymore.
Dream about who your best selves are. What do you feel, think, interact with others and ourselves. It is about seeing and feeling ourselves being the best person in the world, because our heart and mind have their best intentions for everyone. Work from the place of love. Above all, when we look in the mirror and you can say to yourself what we would say to others: "Look at how magnificent you are doing considering the circumstances and the pressures of life, work and love" You are on the path of true healing.
The biggest bit of advice I can give you is - look, ask and choose, and get help to support and guide you through the things that come up.
Start by looking at what you can control - your thoughts, and what you do to your body. Even this can be scary and confronting. You are in charge of what you do, what you put in your body, on your body, and what you think, but you might need help. It is ok not to know, or have confidence to make the changes needed. You might not have the skill of how to fine tune your choices to your body, or to dive into the messages of your body, this is perfectly ok. This is what professionals are for. If you want to make change, it is about owning this thought, and then asking for the help to bring it together. It is a smart person who grows into what they want to be and courage to complete the transformation. Is this You? After all, it might only take a few tweaks or insights to shift the linkpin that is keeping you were you are, and if it is as simple as that, why wait for things to get bigger or harder? Reach out today, you have options, which one are you going to claim?
Author of 4 books;